Commitment issues

Where the heck did the first 3 months of this year go? I just finished my first quarter billing, and just can't figure out where the time went. It's pretty exciting, because the LaPan's have a lot going on in the next few months. Rocky Point trips, Vegas (bach party), Utah to see our peeps - oh and a race or something, a couple races - and then the big summer trip to Coeur d'Alen.

It's all happening so fast, and I'm exciting, but at the same time not quite ready!

Then there's also the big IM hanging over my head. Fortunately the race has not sold out. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting for. I'm sure after I finish babbling on this post I'll probably go sign up.

It's more of a mental thing, I think. The fact that this year was all about non-long racing. Healing the body. Getting some speed back & gaining the love for RACING back. I feel like things have gone really well thus far, and I just kinda got my bubble bursted when it became official that Ironman St George would take place in May. All my buddies signed up. I said I would sign up. Yet, something is holding me back & I can't quite figure out what it is.

Is it the fact that I'm scared my body won't be healed yet? That I won't be able to do the race to my full potential (again). Then of of course I've had IM Canada in my head and I really really wanted it to be my next one. And alas, they put out the race course and oh my holy hell - the hills. The hills on the bike don't scare me. The run is what scares me. Running down 500ft drop in just a few miles can not bode well for the quads, and IT bands.

My running has gone so well lately, that the thought of toeing another Ironman start and not having the race I want to have is well, a bit frustrating for the lack of better words.

It's not just Ironman I'm having trouble with. I'm kinda having trouble committing to anything. Maybe it's because I followed a training schedule for 2 straight years. To the T. Now, I'm just making it up as I go. It's fun. No stress, no struggles to figure out when to do what & for how long. I just make it up as I go and it's been a lot of fun!

I know deep in my heart I will be sad and disappointed if I don't do the race. Shane says he's in, he's just waiting to do Community Fund so he doesn't have to spend the funds right now. If it fills up before I end up on Active.Com plopping $550 on the race, then I guess that's what I'll do now.

I'm also hoping that the bike race we're doing in 2 days will fire me up a little. Get me going and fired up for the next year.... I know I love Ironman, but how fun does a 6hr ride really sound right now is really weighing on me. Maybe taking a year off wasn't such a great idea? Has it made me loose my mojo?

Or, I wonder if finally having all the injury pain subsiding a bit is outweighing the benefit of crossing that finish line and hearing your name followed by "you are an ironman."

I'm not a wishy washy person by day, so hopefully I can get out of my head & figure out what it is I really want to do!