Sunday, January 17, 2016

Tears, sadness, joy, love, wine, dogs, and dreams

It's been 8 weeks since IMAZ. 8 weeks since my heart fell apart over 140.6 miles.  It's taken 8 weeks to climb myself out of a big deep hole.

After a year of heartache, stress and pushing myself up and over what seemed like mountains of obstacles, I am finally started to feel whole again.

2015 started out so full of promise, so full of excitement. My husband embarking on the work opportunity and challenge of a lifetime, my coaching business exactly where I wanted it to be and my favorite Ironman on the schedule.

They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well, I took those lemons and made lemonade over and over until there was just no juice left in the tank.  I trained on auto pilot, stressed out every single minute I was not at home.  I missed my husband, I longed for more time with my Baxter. We emptied our bank accounts over and over with truck repairs, new AC unit, pool repair and emergency vet surgery and bills.

I got sick multiple times, my adrenals were inside out and my hair began to fall out. I didn't sleep, I lost my appetite, yet somehow I got up and I clicked off the green boxes in Training Peaks, I logged onto my work computer I cried over and over and then I woke up and I did it all over again.

After Ironman I slept. I enjoyed laughs with friends and wine until well, until someone cut us off. I joined some of those same friends and went to "prom."

I let the boxes in TP turn red, and I chose when and what I wanted to do. I paced my friends to PRs and dressed my dog up and brought her to a bar. I curled my hair, I wore mascara.

I spent 2 amazing weeks with my husband building our dream home, Bub's place. We laughed as we opened yet another bottle of wine, because well, it was Tuesday. We held hands and walked to the boat on Christmas and made conversation with strangers.  We woke up on New Years Day and drank as much alcohol as we could consumer in 60' gaining courage to join 500+ crazy "friends" and jump into 40deg water.  I "ran' in 25 degrees, snow and stopped to enjoy the beauty.

 I got sick yet again, and hopefully for the last time, and 2 weeks later I am feeling like a different person. The red boxes in TP are now green, I am finding a slow twitch of race motivation.  I look at pictures of Baxter and I smile instead of cry. I'm able to stay up drinking wine and watching the bachelor with a girlfriend until my eyes are heavy, then wake up and smash a run and feel that high.

And at the end of the day, I look at this little girl, and celebrate the blessings I DO have, and the people that surround me.

Cheers to what's next, what memories we've made and to all the people that helped me, loved me and carried me through the hardest of times.

"The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love."
-- Hubert H. Humphrey