Monday, December 31, 2012

Sadness turns to dreams

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." - Einstein

In a year filled with so many highs and lows, I find it hard to reflect on the amazing things, when such an overwhelming sense of loss is there with them.

I spent the past week or so in my favorite place, with my family, but as much fun as we all had - I couldn't help but feel the empty hole in my heart.  There were times in this past week where I literally felt my mom here.  Albeit it her rolling her eyes as my dad poured me yet another birthday shot, or when I got a last minute email from my uncle (her baby brother) telling me he was heading into town.  She even came to me in my dreams (unfortunately not the best of dreams).  Non the less, she was here.  I can only hope that while she may have been rolling her eyes at our imbibing, she was also smiling high above as we all sat giggling together enjoying dinner, all at the same table…
And, at each beautiful sunset I thought of her knowing she was out there, up there, somewhere she was enjoying the beauty in all of the things she loved.  No pain, no sickness, just happy and weightless.

While my mom was with me this past week, I know without a doubt that she was with me all year long as I accomplished things I wasn't sure were possible.  I accomplished goals that I didn't even know I had.  

I ran my heart out in our Tri for the Cure Event and beat some of our most impressive local athletes completely shocking myself, just weeks after we lost her.  It was almost as if I weren't even in my own body.

I used my new motto of "never give up," and while I could have sworn the usual winner of my favorite race, Rocky Point Triathlon, was going to pass me at any minute… I just kept going.  I won my very first overall race, crossing the finish with tears in my eyes.

While there were many other days, and events where my mom was there - there was nothing like my big race of the year, Ironman Canada.  From miles 14 on I literally felt like the wind was at my back.  I know without a doubt that I had angel wings on me that day.  My fastest two miles of the day were the last 2, and my face hurt from smiling…. I have never, in my life had such a euphoric feeling as I did on that day.

As I crossed the finish line, for the first time in months I felt no pain.  I wasn't sad.  It's something that I can't describe.  While I never want to relive what I went through this past year, I can't help but bask in some of these amazing memories and moments.

As I start this new year with some uncertainty, I'm going to use my motto that carried me through the whole year.  Never give up, dream big.  
“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.”  – Lao Tzu

I wish everyone a year of amazing things, a year of firsts, of bests, of everything you could ever want, imagine and dream…


mtanner said...

Dude! You rock. Here is to a Happy and Healthy New Year! #BSCCRAZY

Run Gunn Run said...

Dream Big! Cheers to a fabulous 2013! #BSCCRAZY

H Neil said...

I have tears running down my cheeks as I read this. Without a doubt Mom has been the wind beneath you, the breeze in your face & the angel on your shoulder. She has definitely been and will continue to be with us - in our hearts, on our minds - whenever we need her. You can be certain that she is so proud of you, your accomplishments and the woman you've become (sorry to be so mushy). I am proud of you too:p